Martha Stewart is in the news lately because she has been tweeting super-gross pictures of the nasty food she eats in restaurants I could never afford. Just when you thought the one percent ate better than the rest of us do, Martha goes out of our way to bust that myth. I swear it’s some kind of bass-ackwards public service campaign to try and prove even the poorest vegan eats better than a non-vegan.
I wasn’t going to post this here because I didn’t want to spoil your appetite for my Daily Vegan Lunches, but I just can’t help myself. I am a horror writer and I don’t just love grossing myself and others out, it is one of my favorite hobbies in this life.
Here are some of the horrific, crime-scene worthy photos Martha has taken of her “food” along with my interpretations as a lover of disgusting descriptive language. WARNING. Do not view the following photos if you have eaten or wish to eat within the next 8 hours!
Pic No. 1 Iceberg wedge
Three week old lettuce origami (as attempted by a three year old) with vomited-up bukkake a la mode.
Pic No. 2: Onion soup
Pinched loaf cutlets with diarrhea coulis
Pic No. 3: Foie gras walnut brioche
Blood-lard casserole with demure cake of sculpted liposuction-bag creme
Pic No. 4: Hotate uni miso
Toe-smegma soufflé with slow-cooked sewer carp
Pic No. 5: Pasta handkerchiefs
Harvested fresh direct to your plate from the diaper of an eighteen month old who found the stash of squash baby food
Pic No. 6 No description provided
Meal recovered from alien spacecraft at Roswell and radioactively preserved until the year 2013
Pic No. 7: Watermelon and goat cheese
Watermelon and comedone sculpture after “treatment” by artist Andres Serrano
Pic No 8: Homemade “Persian” meal
Various lifeforms found growing under the ocean near the Fukushima disaster site
Pic No. 9: matsutake mushroom soup
Formaldehyde brain sausage slices with spinal cord jelly in pus broth
Pic No. 10: Bass from Grenouille restaurant, NY
Seven-month old Chef Boyardee ravioli in mold reduction with steamed jumbo caterpillar larvae
Pic No. 10 Seaweed bone marrow
Rabid dog saliva foam with horked-up cream of mushroom soup and doll house furniture
Pic No. 11 ???
Synchronized swimming tapeworms carpaccio