Martha Stewart’s Nasty Food

Martha Stewart is in the news lately because she has been tweeting super-gross pictures of the nasty food she eats in restaurants I could never afford. Just when you thought the one percent ate better than the rest of us do, Martha goes out of our way to bust that myth. I swear it’s some kind of bass-ackwards public service campaign to try and prove even the poorest vegan eats better than a non-vegan.

I wasn’t going to post this here because I didn’t want to spoil your appetite for my Daily Vegan Lunches, but I just can’t help myself. I am a horror writer and I don’t just love grossing myself and others out, it is one of my favorite hobbies in this life.

Here are some of the horrific, crime-scene worthy photos Martha has taken of her “food” along with my interpretations as a lover of disgusting descriptive language. WARNING. Do not view the following photos if you have eaten or wish to eat within the next 8 hours!

Pic No. 1 Iceberg wedge

martha's iceberg lettuce bukkake

Three week old lettuce origami (as attempted by a three year old) with vomited-up bukkake a la mode.

Pic No. 2: Onion soup

martha food diarrhea

Pinched loaf cutlets with diarrhea coulis

Pic No. 3: Foie gras walnut brioche

martha's foie gras

Blood-lard casserole with demure cake of sculpted liposuction-bag creme

Pic No. 4: Hotate uni miso

martha's lard casserole

Toe-smegma soufflé with slow-cooked sewer carp

Pic No. 5: Pasta handkerchiefs

gross pasta barf

Harvested fresh direct to your plate from the diaper of an eighteen month old who found the stash of squash baby food

Pic No. 6 No description provided

martha's radioactive dinner

Meal recovered from alien spacecraft at Roswell and radioactively preserved until the year 2013

Pic No. 7: Watermelon and goat cheese

watermelon

Watermelon and comedone sculpture after “treatment” by artist Andres Serrano

Pic No 8: Homemade “Persian” meal

nasty martha stewart food

Various lifeforms found growing under the ocean near the Fukushima disaster site

Pic No. 9: matsutake mushroom soup

martha's disgusting food

Formaldehyde brain sausage slices with spinal cord jelly in pus broth

Pic No. 10: Bass from Grenouille restaurant, NY

martha stewart disgusting food

Seven-month old Chef Boyardee ravioli in mold reduction with steamed jumbo caterpillar larvae

Pic No. 10 Seaweed bone marrow

martha's wtf food

Rabid dog saliva foam with horked-up cream of mushroom soup and doll house furniture

Pic No. 11 ???

martha's tapeworm meal

Synchronized swimming tapeworms carpaccio

3 thoughts on “Martha Stewart’s Nasty Food

  1. This is hilarious! What is Martha Stewart thinking – this food looks sooo disgusting.

  2. Oh gosh.. Your descriptions were hilarious! I mean I don’t always make the prettiest food either… I’m a rough homestyle vegan cook. But all that stuff she is eating looks downright nasty!

  3. How is it her food regularly looks so horrible? Aren’t these the finest restaurants in the world whose executive chefs are paid zillions to present food perfectly and beautifully, even in dim light? My mom gave me a cookbook from 1965 (it even has that 1965 makeup smell) and the food photos in that book, as ancient and weird as they are, look more appetizing than this. One of my friends said the topping on the Tapeworm Carpaccio looked like peeled, dried scabs. EXACTLY. *hurls*

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