Martha Stewart’s Nasty Food

Martha Stewart is in the news lately because she has been tweeting super-gross pictures of the nasty food she eats in restaurants I could never afford. Just when you thought the one percent ate better than the rest of us do, Martha goes out of our way to bust that myth. I swear it’s some kind of bass-ackwards public service campaign to try and prove even the poorest vegan eats better than a non-vegan.

I wasn’t going to post this here because I didn’t want to spoil your appetite for my Daily Vegan Lunches, but I just can’t help myself. I am a horror writer and I don’t just love grossing myself and others out, it is one of my favorite hobbies in this life.

Here are some of the horrific, crime-scene worthy photos Martha has taken of her “food” along with my interpretations as a lover of disgusting descriptive language. WARNING. Do not view the following photos if you have eaten or wish to eat within the next 8 hours!

Pic No. 1 Iceberg wedge

martha's iceberg lettuce bukkake

Three week old lettuce origami (as attempted by a three year old) with vomited-up bukkake a la mode.

Pic No. 2: Onion soup

martha food diarrhea

Pinched loaf cutlets with diarrhea coulis

Pic No. 3: Foie gras walnut brioche

martha's foie gras

Blood-lard casserole with demure cake of sculpted liposuction-bag creme

Pic No. 4: Hotate uni miso

martha's lard casserole

Toe-smegma soufflé with slow-cooked sewer carp

Pic No. 5: Pasta handkerchiefs

gross pasta barf

Harvested fresh direct to your plate from the diaper of an eighteen month old who found the stash of squash baby food

Pic No. 6 No description provided

martha's radioactive dinner

Meal recovered from alien spacecraft at Roswell and radioactively preserved until the year 2013

Pic No. 7: Watermelon and goat cheese

watermelon

Watermelon and comedone sculpture after “treatment” by artist Andres Serrano

Pic No 8: Homemade “Persian” meal

nasty martha stewart food

Various lifeforms found growing under the ocean near the Fukushima disaster site

Pic No. 9: matsutake mushroom soup

martha's disgusting food

Formaldehyde brain sausage slices with spinal cord jelly in pus broth

Pic No. 10: Bass from Grenouille restaurant, NY

martha stewart disgusting food

Seven-month old Chef Boyardee ravioli in mold reduction with steamed jumbo caterpillar larvae

Pic No. 10 Seaweed bone marrow

martha's wtf food

Rabid dog saliva foam with horked-up cream of mushroom soup and doll house furniture

Pic No. 11 ???

martha's tapeworm meal

Synchronized swimming tapeworms carpaccio