My Long Black Haircut

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  August Fools!  I didn’t actually chop off all my air.  It’s an updo.

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See?  Bobby pins.  If I do a better job and wear a fall to hide the back, it looks like I actually have short hair.

Here is my hair a couple of days after the hair cut.  It gets curly when I let it air dry.  As you can see, it’s a few inches shorter.  What you might not be able to see is the ends have been layered nicely so they aren’t so bulky now.

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My Really Long Hair (Getting a Haircut Tomorrow)

my giant hairYeah I’ve got that halfsie Japanese, Italian/British whatever the heck I am hair.  It’s big, it’s thick, and I’ve let it grow really, really long.  I haven’t cut it except for trimming it myself with a manicure scissor since I was 37 years old and it wasn’t short back then.  I turned 42 a few days ago.

So I’m finally getting it cut.  Not a whole lot, however, as you can see there is a lot of hay-like looking straw at the ends I want gone.

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The time I threw it over my shoulder like a continental soldier.

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The ends are very straw-like and they’ve faded a different color than the rest of my hair.

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Tried to straighten it and then... humidity.

Tried to straighten it and then… humidity.

Plus I’d like some layers.

Martha Stewart’s Nasty Food

Martha Stewart is in the news lately because she has been tweeting super-gross pictures of the nasty food she eats in restaurants I could never afford. Just when you thought the one percent ate better than the rest of us do, Martha goes out of our way to bust that myth. I swear it’s some kind of bass-ackwards public service campaign to try and prove even the poorest vegan eats better than a non-vegan.

I wasn’t going to post this here because I didn’t want to spoil your appetite for my Daily Vegan Lunches, but I just can’t help myself. I am a horror writer and I don’t just love grossing myself and others out, it is one of my favorite hobbies in this life.

Here are some of the horrific, crime-scene worthy photos Martha has taken of her “food” along with my interpretations as a lover of disgusting descriptive language. WARNING. Do not view the following photos if you have eaten or wish to eat within the next 8 hours!

Pic No. 1 Iceberg wedge

martha's iceberg lettuce bukkake

Three week old lettuce origami (as attempted by a three year old) with vomited-up bukkake a la mode.

Pic No. 2: Onion soup

martha food diarrhea

Pinched loaf cutlets with diarrhea coulis

Pic No. 3: Foie gras walnut brioche

martha's foie gras

Blood-lard casserole with demure cake of sculpted liposuction-bag creme

Pic No. 4: Hotate uni miso

martha's lard casserole

Toe-smegma soufflé with slow-cooked sewer carp

Pic No. 5: Pasta handkerchiefs

gross pasta barf

Harvested fresh direct to your plate from the diaper of an eighteen month old who found the stash of squash baby food

Pic No. 6 No description provided

martha's radioactive dinner

Meal recovered from alien spacecraft at Roswell and radioactively preserved until the year 2013

Pic No. 7: Watermelon and goat cheese

watermelon

Watermelon and comedone sculpture after “treatment” by artist Andres Serrano

Pic No 8: Homemade “Persian” meal

nasty martha stewart food

Various lifeforms found growing under the ocean near the Fukushima disaster site

Pic No. 9: matsutake mushroom soup

martha's disgusting food

Formaldehyde brain sausage slices with spinal cord jelly in pus broth

Pic No. 10: Bass from Grenouille restaurant, NY

martha stewart disgusting food

Seven-month old Chef Boyardee ravioli in mold reduction with steamed jumbo caterpillar larvae

Pic No. 10 Seaweed bone marrow

martha's wtf food

Rabid dog saliva foam with horked-up cream of mushroom soup and doll house furniture

Pic No. 11 ???

martha's tapeworm meal

Synchronized swimming tapeworms carpaccio

Bleaching my eyebrows

True confessions: I bleach my eyebrows.  They are naturally very black and very arched, which at times can look a bit severe, kind of like this:

romulan eyebrows

So I bleach them sometimes.

The bleach comes in a kit. There is a powder, a goopy paste, a flat mini-tray and a spatula. I mix one part powder to about 4 parts goop.

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It has to be mixed very well or else I could end up with spotty or tiger striped eyebrows. Tiger brows are not the look.

After pulling my hair back, I smear the paste on my eyebrows.

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Since I’m doing this, might as well bleach my annoying forehead hair and my mustache. I’ve gotten my forehead hair threaded before and OUCH. No thanks. I’ll bleach it.

Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

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After about 7 minutes, I wipe some of the bleach off to see how much my brows are lightened.

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Seems good enough. I proceed to wipe off all of the bleach with a dry rag, followed by a wet rag.

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Kiki is about to yawn. Mama’s vanity rituals are so BORING.

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The final result: Before, my brows are their natural black.

Before eyebrow bleach

Before eyebrow bleach

Lighter brows

Lighter brows

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lightened eyebrows

lightened eyebrows

I can still look just as nutty without Romulan/Vulcan eyebrows! YES!

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Movie Review of Resident Evil 5: Stultification

resident evil 5 poster

Aiming for the middle of a swastikapus.

I wasn’t even sure what installment of the Resident Evil franchise this was. I have seen more Resident Evil movies than I should admit, which is all of them. I have no idea why I have seen all of the Resident Evil movies and I actually told my husband I would never willingly watch another one after this. I am not sure what it is about me but I tend to watch some very terrible movies. I guess I’m a horror slut and will pretty much watch anything with a haunted house or a zombie in it. The fact that I sat through Resident Evil: Retribution proves that I have a high tolerance for suck that Im not proud of.

The original Resident Evil seemed, well… original. The rest of them, not so much. Here’s what I looked up online about the Resident Evil series:

1. Resident Evil (2002) The T-Virus, or zombie-makin’ virus, escapes a top secret Umbrella Corporation facility by accident. Protagonist Alice has to escape the underground facility.

2. Resident Evil Apocalypse (2004) T-Virus reaches the outside world, Alice has to rescue a little girl from a junior high school, and Umbrella Corp. blows up Raccoon city with nukes.

3. Resident Evil Extinction (2007) Alice gets superpowers from genetically bonding with the T-Virus and a group of survivors decamp to a survivor stronghold called Arcadia.

4. Resident Evil Afterlife (2010) Alice becomes human again because of the evil machinations of Wesker, Arcadia turns out to be a trap.

5. Resident Evil Retribution (2012)

Which brings us up to date, unfortunately. The absolutely stunning Milla Jovovich, even though she looks exactly the same as she did 10 years ago when she starred in the first Resident Evil movie, could not save this epic stinkburger. Milla Jovovich truly needs to move on. This movie doesn’t do her future career in cinema any favors. The beginning is a shootout scene with Umbrella Corporation that we watch playing out backwards, meaning bullets fly back into guns and people fall back onto the great big oil tanker the battle takes place again. The backwards theme turns out to be entirely appropriate and symbolic, unfortunately. My husband said that the backwards stuff was “cheap teenage boy effects”. Uh, that pretty much sums up the whole movie.

Rolling out the bimbos: Dragon Lady, Gimp Suit, and Blue Balloon Bosoms.

Rolling out the bimbos: Dragon Lady, Gimp Suit, and Blue Balloon Bosoms.

Alice, after all her tribulations, is still being targeted by Umbrella as Baddie No. 1 after all these years, though who could possibly give a fart considering the human race is almost extinct and Umbrella itself serves no purpose as the whole world is overrun by zombies.

Which brings me to the problem of Resident Evil’s logic. If all humans are extinct, there are no people left to spend money to flow into Umbrella’s coffers, and isn’t that what corporations are all about, money? Why chase after an enemy of the corporation when the corporation has no assets or promise of assets ever again?

After a narrated recap by Alice herself, we learn Alice is trapped in an underwater facility in Siberia. One of her many clones is living out a simulation of suburbia where she sports a terrible blond wig with horrific bangs. She has a cute family and a deaf daughter. Of course not 5 seconds can go by before her idyllic lawyer foyer is being trashed by slobbering zombies. Several yawns later, the plot of Resident Evil: Retribution is spelled out by one of the characters — because surely a movie of this depth and breadth needs the monologue equivalent of Cliff Notes — by a dragon lady named Ada Wong (Li Bingbing) who has perfect asymmetrical hair and possible double eyelid surgery. The whole movie’s plot is that Alice needs to escape to the surface. That’s it. There’s no more. Sorry. There are some people who are set to rendezvous with her in Fake Moscow or thereabouts. Fake Moscow, Fake Tokyo, and Fake Suburbia USA are all installments in the underground antechamber from which Alice must escape. They are global in the way Epcot Center is global — nobody would be convinced that these sad, dippy looking scenes were actually shot at international locales, even if they actually were. The whole movie is so video tragically game-ish that the DVD should come with a joystick. I know the franchise was based on a Capcom video game, but do we really need squares around various locations and people’s heads? Glowing letters? The only thing missing was a Mana bar. Oh wait, and a plot.

Alice flits from boss battle to boss battle. The little deaf girl from the beginning scenes clings to Alice, thinking she’s mommy. At one point, the little girl asks Alice “Why are you dressed in S&M bondage wear, mommy?”. So Alice tromps through zombie Epcot Center sometimes with the little girl in tow. It’s a small world after all. Old, dead characters from the previous movies are brought back under dubious circumstances. New-old gimmicks are introduced, such as zombies with four-pronged hydras for mouths that I will call swastikapus because they look like a cross between a swastika and an octopus. Another boss, encountered in Fake Moscow, I think, has its brain outside its head, yet another tragically apt metaphor for the film.

Her butt is the only thing worth watching in this movie. Sad.

A frenemy of Alice’s, Jill Valentine, has a spider-jewel thing between her ample bosoms that robotically controls her brain, this lady ends up being the final boss battle. Her character is so boring and her acting so wooden, they had to dress her in a skintight catsuit as they were otherwise out of options. Wesker, the evil big cheese of Umbrella Corporation, is a dime-store villain in dire need of a black mustache to twirl and a maiden to tie to some railroad tracks.

He’s not just the president of Albino Hair Club for Men, he’s also a client!

Milla, please extract yourself from these awful, plotless films, you’re far too good for this! Oh wait, I just read that she’s married to Paul W.S. Anderson, the director. The hell? Awkward…

The Kim in Winter

Winter bums me out. The days are SO SHORT right now, sunset around five-ish, ugh.

Nevertheless, I love snow. Illinois has had a snow drought — even today, we got only a dusting and there has been zero snow this winter.

bleak winter
This is what my soul feels like.

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So there is a gate with barbed wire fencing off the university. Seriously, barbed wire, like that’s necessary!! Someone didn’t like it and busted the door. Don’t look at me.

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Getting snowed on as I walked to the store and bought pens. We were totally out of them.